Chuck Sambuchino’s critique

Dear Chuck Sambuchino:

A disheartened immortal–each death returning him to the body of another–harbors no fear of dying except that the next will not be his last.

SOME OF THE LANGUAGE OF THE HOOK LINE IS CONFUSING. WHEN YOU SAY “EACH DEATH,” IT WASN’T IMMEDIATELY CLEAR THAT “EACH DEATH” REFERS TO HIS OWN. HOW OFTEN DOES HE DIE, AND HOW DOES HE DIE? DO THESE DETAILS MATTER? IT’S ALSO UNCLEAR ABOUT IF HE KEEPS INHABITING THE SAME FEW BODIES OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND DYING IN EACH. IN SHORT, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN BY THE LANGUAGE IN BETWEEN YOUR DASHES. AND WHY DOES THIS IMMORTAL WANT HIS NEXT DEATH NOT TO BE HIS LAST?

THE RETURNING, my 125,000[DASH]word fantasy novel, chronicles Gregarion’s desire to find final peace [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, EXACTLY?], and his growing love for a woman from a previous life who now regards him with disdain.

Haunted by memories of solitary lives lacking purpose [YOU MEAN HIS OWN PAST LIVES? OR THE LIVES OF OTHERS?], cast into the body of Prince Syjer, he must TAKE ON SYLER’S CURRENT CHALLENGE AND unite the [CUT] ten clans against a brother, likewise cursed, who absorbs the King and is determined to destroy him [BUT IF THE KING WAS ABSORBED, DOESN’T THAT MEAN HE IS ALREADY DESTROYED?], a people, and an entire culture.

Aligned with the aloof all[DASH]female clan, Syjer questions his destiny [WHICH IS WHAT?] and the meaning of an obscure prophecy [WHICH IS WHAT?] as he is forced to battle external clan strife, feuding philosophies and prejudices beneath the shroud of an upcoming civil war. [SO WHEN HE JUMPS BODIES LIKE THIS AS AN IMMORTAL, DOES HE ALWAYS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE PROBLEMS OF THE HOST BODY? WHY NOT JUST LEAVE THE KINGDOM AND DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, IF HE IS DISILLUSIONED?]

And there is a secret he guards even more unbelievable than his own random returning [THIS IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND – THE CONCEPT OF “RETURNING”]: a growing threat unaware to all but him rages to conquer not only Ananyll, but the entire world, and it grows ever stronger. [ALL OF THIS PARAGRAPH IS EXTREMELY VAGUE (SECRET, THREAT) AND BECAUSE WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT, IT PACKS NO PUNCH]

The one question he must answer: how do I kill one who does not die? [GOOD ENDING, BUT AGENTS DISLIKE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS. TRANSFORM THIS INTO STATEMENT FORM: “TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS WORLD AND HIS PEOPLE, SYLER MUST ACCOMPLISH WHAT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE: KILL A MAN WHO CANNOT DIE.”

My short stories have appeared in Women’s World and various zines; non-fiction in Triathalon, City Escort, as well as newspaper articles, features and columns. Work experience encompasses ownership and management of several small companies, customer service and marketing, all of which comprised teaching, instruction, and speaking to large groups. [THIS BIO IS GOOD]

I am sending this query for the first book in a proposed trilogy because of your continued assistance helping writers improve their craft. The completed novel is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration,

Rick Langford

(Here’s the Link for the updated Query)

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